Marriage is about the most important
ceremony celebrated the world over. The reason most folks adduce is
simply that no one is aware of one’s birth date and the day one would
die, hence the justification for the amount of resources and attention
devoted to this ceremony.
Marriage is important for the
establishment of the family, which is the most basic unit of the
society. It is a relationship that guarantees the continuity of the homo
sapien species. Beyond companionship, marriage also offers a
socialisation template for the offspring.
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Marriage provides an avenue for the
couples to define their lives, independent of their progenitors, as a
demonstration of maturity and self-actualisation. Marriage is the
template for a healthy self-assertiveness where the couples invest all
of their resources to build their unique family. In our modern society,
it has become an empirical measure of a man’s leadership competence and
maturity.
The idea of a marriage, for most people,
may have started from childhood through the family, then novels, films,
religion and culture which get modified over the years through
experiences. Different societies have different prescriptions, with
culture and religion playing very crucial roles in how the relationship
can be contracted and how the marriage would be managed and in what
context.
As a consequence of globalisation of
values, modern marriages are essentially more challenged than those of
the older generations, hence the increased rate of divorce or, for some
civility and religiosity, separation.
Polygamy, which is essentially African
and practiced by some religions, is gradually disappearing as monogamous
marriages take the centre stage. This form of marriage definitely comes
with certain challenges for commitment, accountability and cooperation
which could be threatened by many factors such as compatibility,
temperamental differences, ideological differences, social class
differences, religious or value differences and, sometimes, undue
interference by the parents. This may invariably lead to perennial
conflicts, heading up in separation or outright divorce.
A legal separation is a process by which a
married couple may formalise a de facto separation while remaining
legally married in the form of a court order; but most times in our
environment, it is usually informal. In cases where children are
involved, a court order of legal separation often makes temporary
arrangement for the care, custody and financial support for the
children. Separation does not automatically lead to a divorce, as
couples may reconcile. This arrangement is common, whether legal or
informal, as an alternative to divorce due to moral or religious
objections to divorce.
Divorce, on the other hand, is the
termination of a marital union, the cancelling of the legal duties and
responsibilities of marriage, thus dissolving the bonds of matrimony
between married couples under the rule of law of the particular country.
Divorce or separation can be a stressful
experience affecting finances, living arrangements, household, jobs,
schedules, parenting and the outcomes of the children as they face each
stage of development from childhood to adulthood without a cohesive
template from their parents. This may lay the foundation for increased
vulnerability for developing mental illness in the future. While so much
attention is devoted to the financial, cultural and religious
implications of a divorce, very little consideration is given to the
mental health consequences on the couples. Divorce or separation is a
profound form of psychological loss that challenges sense of identity in
a fundamental way. No one walks away from a marriage whole, since a
part of the individual may be irretrievably lost to that relationship,
which explains its negative impact on lifestyle habits and behaviour
which may adversely affect mental and physical health.
Divorced men are less likely to exercise,
more likely to smoke, drink excessively and engage in other risky
behaviours. Divorce causes chronic stress because it is usually an
ongoing event that takes a toll on nearly every system in the body,
especially the heart.
The sleep can also be affected as a
consequence of the stress, which may invariably weaken the immune
system. A good number may come down with anxiety disorders, depressive
illness and substance abuse disorders, especially alcoholism.
While a healthy marriage has been shown
to provide protective health benefits, studies also have shown that
divorce may be beneficial to the health of people in highly stressful
marriages who often face anger, hostility and stress and are more likely
to have depression, abnormal obesity, and elevated blood sugar that may
lead to heart attack.
To reduce divorce and its negative
impacts, premarital counseling should be rigorous and empirical beyond
the religious and our cultural myths. When life is at stake, divorce
must be intelligently considered, taking cognizance of the children,
finances, identity reconstruction and life after divorce.
Our modern marriages need mentorship from
older and successful couples, and not necessarily parents or
parents-in-law, who can offer time-tested principles objectively and
compassionately.
- Adeoye Oyewole/Punch
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